Traveling with no mercy

We have very little opportunity as children for autonomy and control. When we reach our teen years, the lack of those things can lead to some defiance, anger and frustration. Adding a component of addiction and/or mental health issues from the parents can deepen child anxieties, worsen self esteem and hinder important communication.

Being a parent is difficult, but such a rewarding experience. It is a bonding time to practice and show love to yourself and to your children. But what happens when that love is overshadowed by alcohol or other addictions?

The Choice had already been made…

Alcohol took hold of my mother in her early 20’s and it never let her out of its nasty grip. She was an intelligent woman, full of vim and vigor, and had endured some major hurdles in her own lifetime. Those hurdles created walls and inner sorrows that she couldn’t scale. Mom used alcohol as a way to cope with those demons. It numbed the pain and took her to a safe place. It was fine for her, or perhaps not, but it wasn’t a safe place for her children. We endured that choice she made in many forms. Those forms included yelling, screaming, blaming, crying, riding in a car while she was drunk, taking lit cigarettes from her fingers after she had passed out in her bed, and sometimes not having a meal to eat. These times were episodic and ended after a few days. The days that followed were characterized with happy, almost normal days, somehow trying to make up for the trauma that she had caused. She would never know how much pain she passed on to her family.

I loved my mother, but it wasn’t enough for her or for me. She needed that crutch to make it through the hard times, good times and bad times. All I ever wanted was for her to choose love over the bottle. To love her children a little bit more, to say to herself, my children come first, not the bottle. Mom struggled with her cravings for alcohol and while she tried to find a secure balance with her sober and drunk life, it never happened. The illness had metastasized throughout her psyche and never left. Her illness left me with scars that manifested into low self esteem, detachment, loneliness, and relationship difficulties. I have had feelings of anger and resentment, difficulty having trusting, healthy and intimate loving relationships, and ignoring my needs in order to care for others. Children of alcoholic parents carry those burdens well into adulthood.

I began looking for love and I had no clue how to find it or what to do with it. A journey I thought would solve all those problems that had scarred me. I was very mistaken. My story was only just beginning, and I was traveling with no mercy.