Uncovering Coping Mechanisms

Dealing with an addiction at home, albeit a parent’s addiction, can be uncertain and uncomfortable at times.  Coping with this situation could be difficult. The best times were to be had at school, a friend’s sleepover, or engaging in an athletic practice.  In other words, staying away from home was paramount to keeping some modicum of sanity.  Secrets of the addiction kept embarrassment down, but loneliness was always an issue.  I had to find opportunities to slip away from the chaos and learn how to interact in the world.  To cope day to day.

Coping refers to conscious strategies used to reduce unpleasant emotions.

Wikipedia

On days and evenings when the dysfunction reared its ugly head, my safe haven could be found in my bedroom.  There I could put a record album on the turntable and pretend to unstable my Breyer horse collection and gallop with them into the wind.  Coping also included taking my frustrations, anger, and resentment out on a piece of sketch paper.  Learning to sketch horses, and later, album covers gave me confidence and passion.  This was me a chance to show myself that I had talent, attention to detail and self-worth.  But I couldn’t stay in the bedroom forever.

Another conscious strategy involved athletics.  But this idea came to mind after overhearing a discussion between my mom and her best friend chatting and drinking one afternoon.  To hear mom’s best friend tell her that her daughter would “look more attractive if she lost weight”, and then not hearing a retort in defense of her daughter, was heartbreaking.  That caused me a host of self-deprecating thoughts, and ideas.  How could I be a better, more attractive daughter, and maybe make my mom proud or me? Perhaps get her to stop drinking?  

Running for love

During my senior year in high school, I had an answer.  This idea could help me lose that “weight” and get me out of the house a bit longer after school and on weekends.  I joined the cross country and track team.  Sure, it helped with the weight, and I made friends, but I never felt proud of myself, and my parents never stayed for a meet.  I was going it alone, pushing myself, and still looking for Real Love.  Love for me and by me.  Running the three miles in the Cross Country meets or running the 400 Meter Relay diffused my frustrations and anger, but not my loneliness or sadness.

I always wanted to do things that would make my mom proud and hoped she would prioritize me over her drinking.

If those skills didn’t work, what else could I do?  I had to find love in other places with other people, and I had no idea how to do that, but I was going to try.  More coping mechanisms, I thought.  If I can’t get love, maybe I can give that “love” to someone else and that will make me happy?  That trek ended up being a bumpy road for sure.