Heartache, its not how many of us have endured this, but rather, what have we done about mitigating the effects?  To move forward from a devastating break-up, a divorce, losing a loved one or a best friend, it can be gut wrenching. There are, what seems to be, an unending series of emotions that take hold of us, torture us, and then we ask ourselves, “when am I ever going to overcome this heartache”? 

Having gone through a painful divorce, not once, but twice, I found myself struggling to come to terms with what to do next.  Let me be clear, I am not a clinician, but with personal experience learning how to deal with heart break and heartache, I think I can assist with some practical and helpful advice.

Where Should I Expect?

• Don’t expect miracles in a matter of days or weeks or even months.  This is a personal process that is different for everyone depending upon the situation.  There is no magical potion.

• Try to understand exactly what has happened, how it happened and how you are feeling.  I found it personally cathartic to journal everyday and express my feelings.

• It is okay to grieve, cry, scream, you name it.  You’ve experienced a traumatic event and bottling your feelings will seriously make you ill!

• Listen to family and friends and graciously accept their kindnesses, just not necessarily their advice.  They mean well but trying to understand what you are going through is not the same thing.  Casseroles and meals out are better!

• That being said, at the top of the list, is to seek some professional advice via therapy visits or to consult your internist for their recommendations depending upon your needs. Choose a therapist that you are comfortable speaking with, and if not, keep looking.  Believe me, they will not be offended if the connection is not there.

• Listen to your therapist, heed their advice and do your homework.  Books to read on the subject (in this case, narcissism) were suggested, as were emailed handouts, and all were very helpful.  Out of that material, I formed questions for the next visit.

• If you belong to a church, synagogue or mosque, reach out to your pastor, priest or elder for solace.  They are bound, as are attorneys, to confidentiality and usually offer some ethereal/spiritual perspectives.  If not, do consider reaching out to religious organizations to see if they offer any divorce classes, grief support groups or other programs that will help you.  Typically, group or class fees are nominal or free!

•  The world wide web can be helpful in researching your concerns, and there are a plethora of sites offering classes, self help instructions such as The School of Self Love.  As always, use your best judgement and forward any questions to your professional to get sound advice.

• Do not discount the benefits of exercise at this juncture.  While you may not feel up to it, its benefits far outweigh your current heartache pain.  Keeping your immune system tidy, as well as becoming physically stronger to help you cope, are only a few benefits. Some mind and heart practices such as yoga and meditation are extremely helpful and can be done at home.  Considering the current pandemic, I can’t recommend exercise enough!

• Additionally, I have found that pursuing a hobby or interest, can help clear our minds and keep our emotions at bay.  For me, playing the acoustic guitar again and learning a new language, created goals and provided interest in what were initially tough days.  Find something that you love and just do it!

• Finally, it is certainly worth incorporating self-care or self-love* regimes into your life.  We spend a lot of time helping others, our families or overworking, and forget about ourselves.  We need to replenish our empty tanks; and remember we are important and treat ourselves lovingly with compassion and respect.  I can liken this to a hospice nurse who is treating their patient when their time is short.  My mother was the example and her nurse, with respect and compassion, made her remaining days beautifully content. 

Helpful Resources

*Amazon has a lot of workbooks that address these needs, and you can also check with your therapist for suggestions. I have used the one below and found it very helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Self-Love-Workbook-Life-Changing-Self-Esteem-Recognize/dp/1612438660

Heartache has never been easy, but taking the initiative to get help, practice some healthy habits and deal with your emotions will help you overcome and move on!