Why Am I Here?

What a great question for a soon to be 65-year-old!  So why do I ponder this now at this juncture in my life?  Why not?  I have seen many years pass by me, full of stories, memories, and experiences.  Yet, I feel as though I never really understood why I am here.  As the latest movie, Barbie, explains in a song entitled “What Was I Made For”, she wants to remember how to “be happy…something I can be, something I wait for, something I’m made for…”.  Women’s roles have changed over the course of decades, yet we continue to struggle to find those feelings of happiness with ourselves and others, just as the fictious Barbie.  In my own case, I’ve been looking for those feelings of happiness and love from others who didn’t know how to share it with me.  These lost feelings manifest themselves in my dreams, even to this day.  Dreams of walking somewhere and never getting there; looking for rooms that don’t exist; waiting for someone that never comes.  It can be difficult finding answers, finding happiness in life.

So, why am I here?  Was it a beautiful event of love that culminated in my birth?  Was it our God or higher power that placed the events in tidy order?  Was it just my time to appear in this ridiculously fabulously mixed-up universe? I was one of a double that day at birth.  I made my way into the world after my fraternal twin made her entrance.  With my birth came a bout of respiratory distress syndrome, or Hyaline membrane disease, that relegated me to an incubator for a month before being sent home.  So, I suppose that it began there, being alone in an incubator, looking for a reason to keep breathing and looking for love.  What I realized was that I was determined to find that love, so I had to stay alive and well.

Memories of the next 9 or 10 years are fuzzy now and most are so deep in the recesses of my subconscious, that I have no real recollection of any major or minor events of my life.  I had my twin sister who required a lot from me, as she was introverted and very shy.  This created an early life of giving and caring for her while she slowly developed some independence.  While I love my sister to this day, the happiness and love she shared wasn’t enough. I was looking in the wrong places and at the wrong faces. So now, I am sharing this story to help me and you find happiness that will lead to real love.

What was I made for?  I was going to find out much later in life, but it was all worth the wait. Keep reading and stay with me.